It’s me. I know I’ve been on a little hiatus but, I just wanted to take this time to talk about how I’ve been feeling for the last couple of months. To some of you, this may not really come as a surprise because you’ve read my other post about keeping inspired or you might follow me on IG and have seen my last post from around a month ago or so but… I guess let’s get to it.
I’ve been feeling really.. all over the place for the last two years. Very emotionally unstable with a lack of direction in my life. It’s weird because all my life I’ve always had set goals. I knew I wanted to go to college for the most part. I knew I wanted to be a doctor, which then turned into a scientist because med-school was too long which then turned into something more creative like a Journalist or Writer. I knew I wanted to get out of Miami, which I did for a little, and basically, I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in. Which would hopefully take me to California or Western Europe aiming to live a more simple life. Anyway, that all changed when I was in Boston. I’ve spoken a little bit about being depressed and extremely anxious before. I realized that my anxiety got out of hand when I would tense up and freeze at simple situations like having to make phone calls, or speak to certain people. Living in Boston was just making things worse for me; I was at a job I hated, not even in school anymore which was the entire reason I moved there and just overall felt so down about myself. I felt like, I really had nothing to look forward to besides my close friends (I know, it sounds really intense). So I decided to move back to Miami and be with my family, friends and get a little rest, recoup and recharge.
Things got better when I moved back home, the weather and familiarity of things definitely helped me out. But, I knew I was still depressed and.. I mean, I still am but, I am now writing from a better mental space. Anyway, long story… long, I realized more and more that my emotions were uncontrollable. They really got out of hand. I was unmotivated with things I felt so passionate about, i.e. this blog. I felt irritable, some days were great and other days were terrible. It’s like someone could just say one thing that would just really piss me off. I was just overall really self-conscious and almost unrecognizable to myself. It was a very scary time. So I decided to start this blog as a form of self-expression and an escape from…myself? It was and still is great but, I think I just got lost in all the mess. The thing with blogging coupled with social media and self-promotion is that.. it takes a toll on you. I know what I’m like and I put so much pressure on myself for the simplest things. And that pressure got to me.
I got addicted to creating, posting, sharing and reaping the results aka likes, comments, blah blah. I lost my real purpose of why I started in the first place which was to express myself and help others through fashion and my other passions. So, this just made things worse. Which is when I decided to quit social media, blogging, and creating for the purpose of online sharing, indefinitely.
I told myself that until I could create for the right reasons then I just.. wouldn’t. I was also seeking help with my health at the time and we (my doctor and I) discovered that there is a reason why I was feeling the way I was for the past few years besides depression and anxiety– I have this thing called hyperprolactinemia. It’s basically a growth in your brain that messes up your hormones and has a lot of side effects. It sounds worse than it is but, I’m actually quite lucky. My growth is super small and I am currently in the process of seeking treatment. But, yeah… that’s pretty much it. During this hiatus and for however long I feel I’ve really just been trying to work on myself and take things very slowly. Yoga (which I can’t believe I’m saying) when I can, way more self-reflection and not putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Of course, I still struggle with doing all of those things every day but, that is an ideal day for me. Also, not distracting myself from what my mind and body are telling me… which is what I was doing with social media/blogging. I just do this thing where I tend to just go-go-go and don’t take time to reflect. But, I’d argue that reflection is essential to progression. If you want to healthily progress you should take some time to reflect (advice to myself). I realized that reflection has helped me realize and digest so much more that I had initially missed or ignored.
I do miss blogging. I feel a little lost not having a creative outlet but, I’ve been trying to occupy my downtime with things that I’ve been putting off like learning a new language. I think I will return to this platform one day with the right intentions. I just don’t want to not do things for the right reason, ya know? I just wanted to say thanks for supporting me and continuing to. I didn’t feel right not mentioning this and also sharing what I’ve been going through because I know I am not alone on this. If you are going through something similar that you are afraid to talk about for whatever reason just know that you have a friend here.
Alrighty, well it wouldn’t be a Wills of J post without a little picture. I took these with Sophie a while back and really like how they turned out but, never posted them. We were shooting in Downtown Miami, love the building and colors. More than that, we decide to use flowers as a prop which I think connects well to this post. Flowers are given in many situations, including times of healing. So in a way, I’m giving myself flowers?